A Delicate Balance

I am learning, or trying to learn, or knowing and trying to accept and come to terms with the fact that writing a dissertation is a delicate balance of thinking with extreme focus while retaining a view of the big picture.

Here's what I mean:

I have found that I drive myself into a state of neurotic paralysis when I allow myself to think of all that is ahead: hundreds of pages, rounds of revision, a defense, a job search - all of which seems impossible and insurmountable. And so, I instead try to focus on the very small snippet that I am actually writing. Today, my intro chapter. I want to get through contextualizing Sommer and leading into Brubaker and Cooper. Hopefully this will generate two pages of writing. That is it.

The problem with this focus, of course, is that it doesn't seem like progress. Two pages. Of what will be a 300 and something page book. It just seems so miniscule. And then it flips back to the big picture again, that two pages does not get you through a book and revisions and a defense and a job search.

But I got some sage advice today from Bitch Ph.D., who reminded me to keep a little perspective, to realize that the big picture is not so horrible, and to remember to enjoy the sunshine and the good things that exist everyday.

Sidenote: I am feeling so iffy with the writing and major life transitions that I cold emailed Bitch Ph.D., thanking her for her blog and asking her for advice. And the nicest thing happened - she wrote me back a really positive and motivating email that made me realize that everything will be okay and that these crazy feelings, though normal, aren't necessary and shouldn't rule my life. If you doubted that there are good things in this world, put that little bit of human compassion in your pipe and smoke it!

In the interest, then, of recognizing the good in the day, I will close on this: I will finish with Sommer, transition to Brubaker and Cooper, and then have a drink. Later I am will get together with friends and then go to see El Vez, The Mexican Elvis perform. I will spend the Christmas week with my honey, and we will celebrate the fact that we are making a life here, together. I will talk to my friends and family; I've even been promised a Christmas Day Tarot Card reading as a present. There are good things in this world, dammit!