Revelations

It's been a strange time.

Maybe it's the writing and the anxieties wrapped up in that, or the move, the day to day stresses that plague us all, or the larger stresses of trying to wrap things up in Minnesota while starting my life here. Whatever the source, I realized this week that I have been a complete nutjob lately.

I've been able to take a step back from myself and think, "Who is this crazy lady? This clingyneedyscaredcrabbyjealousstressy weirdo? How did I turn into this, and how do I turn myself back into what I was? The spunkyfunkyfunnythoughtfulconfidentpositive woman?"

This was a big revelation.

Then followed the other revelations. How my weirdness has affected others (namely my honey). How I need to buck up, get my self-confidence back. How I need to let go of all the irrational fears I've been harboring and the negative attitude that's been hanging over me.

So that's where I'm at.

Revelations lead to resolutions, the ones that follow being of the pre-New Year variety; vague but necessary affirmations about the life I want to live. I'm determined NOT to stay in this weird blue funk any longer. Although I don't exactly know how to get out of it, I'm determined that this weirdness is only a temporary state. I'm determined that I will be happy and confident again. That I will give up the ghosts of the past, the regrets that haunt me. That I will write this dissertation, defend this dissertation, and move on to the next phase of my academic life. That I will be able to see all the awesomeness that is Los Angeles and immerse myself in it. That I will once again be the kind of woman, friend, thinker, lover, and partner that I can and should be.

And that, my friends, is where I plan to be.